Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Just like waterboarding

There exists in this world many forms of torture. And torture devices. Human beings can get quite creative. There are thumbscrews.The infamous rack.

An Iron Maiden. Does listening to the band Iron Maiden count as torture as well?

And now, I would like to submit the latest method of torture. It's called a table. With an attached stool.

I sit in this particular torture device for an hour each month during my PTA Board meeting. And when the meeting is over, I attempt to stand. I try to haul myself to my feet. But, my rear has turned to lead. And my legs start to tingle and burn as the blood trys to circulate. My knees have locked into a position that prohibits standing when they were shoved under this table. And those said knees are having alignment issues with my hips, which are precariously floating around the stool. Because you see this stool.And how (not) wide that seat is?

Well, I won't torture you with a companion photo of my derriere, but let's just say a stool for each cheek might be sufficient.

The table and attached stool may be a lovely seat for my seven year old, but for me...not so much.

And then, to prove that I am a glutton for punishment, I stayed at my torture stool. AND had lunch with Madalyn. In the school cafeteria.

It's a pretty special ocassion to have a parent come to lunch. We get to sit at a special table. And when the monitors are telling the kids to be quiet - those of us at the special table can ignore them. Best of all, Madalyn got to invite a friend to eat with her at the torture special table.Here is Madalyn's lunch. Apples. Sun chips. Chocolate milk. And grilled cheese. What? What's that? Are you asking where IS that grilled cheese? It's sealed in a plastic pouch. See - over on the right side of her tray. Really. They don't make the grilled cheese at the school. It comes in all it's prepackaged goodness.

Another bonus for parent lunches. I buy ice cream.

Yeah. Let's NOT do a name that photo contest with this one.

And when lunch was over, I inched my knees out from under the table. Rubbed my legs to get the circulation going. Pinched my hips to remind them that they were still attached. Stomped my feet to be sure that I could feel them. Made sure that I had everyone's attention while I hauled my tush off the round stool. And I finally stood up. And seriously wondered if the CIA had started investigating the possibilities to be found at my local elementary school.

So, what about you? Did you find school lunches to be yummy or pure torture? Do you partake of school lunches now? Volunteer at school? Participate in any other forms of torture?

post signature

Theme song: Sting - King of Pain

34 comments:

Bobbi said...

Umm, Kat, is there something you want to tell us? Scary looking torture devices! :o

Your kiddos are cuties!

Blarney said...

I think it's your duty to move the PTA meetings to the library. I used to volunteer at school but a handful of parents pretty much shunned anyone new. Same ole story. I think I wait a few power rotations before I become active again. To fill the volunteer craving I have started working with our local Habitat chapter.

Brandy said...

Oh I understand your pain! While my SS is too old to have us come and eat lunch with him, my 4 year old nephew loves it!

So being that he is 4 and goes to head start at a elementary school that means they have little, tiny, itsy bitsy chairs for itsy bitsy people.

I am not one of those people.

I find it just as hard to sit with even a little grace and then after tucking my knees under my chin (it's not attractive at all) I can barely get myself out of that position once lunch is over.

I must really love that kid.

Angie's Spot said...

So, THIS is what I have to look forward to? Geez. I'd better hit the gym now if I ever have a prayer of fitting at that table. You're my hero.

The Momster said...

Oh boy - those yummy school lunches - NOT! My daughter stopped eating in the cafeteria after about 6 months in first grade. Even though we're at a new school, she still takes her lunch. She feels 'safe'. Ha!

I did my stint of volunteering during her preschool and elementary years. Now that we are in middle school, my goal is to be a 'ghost parent'. I get to send her to school events with her Daddy because of my class schedule. :) Revenge is best served in a room with horrormone inflicted sixth graders I say :)

Elena said...

Oh Kat! You are so blasted funny. "A stool for each cheek," hilarious! I have to say, I'm not a fan of school lunches, but my girls beg me to come join them all the time. I remember my own mom eating lunch with me when I was little. Such fun!

SKELLER said...

egads. I've not ever seen one of these torture tables. And I hope I never do. Looks awful. Truly awful.

Brian and Staci said...

I would so totally be movin those PTA meetings to a place with real seats!!! How cute is Madalyn! Her haircut is super cute! So..to answer your questions...I ate lunch in the lunchroom MOST of the time...but I also got to pack a lunch. It seems like school lunches are really not too bad these days...I mean...ice cream? Grilled cheese sandwiches! I haven't been up to eat with Connor yet...Brian went last Friday and he (Connor) thought he was big stuff! I do volunteer at school...only for a few hours because of Jake. I'm not doing as much because of the old broken/cast wrist thing right now :O In other forms of torture...we are hosting a first grade hay ride and bonfire at Halloween! What was I thinking? Fire...kids with skewers to roast with??? I'm praying for the Second Coming between now and October!

Joye said...

That Iron Maiden comment had me laughing! then I saw those lunch tables :) so true!

Shannon said...

In high school, I used to eat the same. thing. every. day. Chicken sandwich, french fries, another veggie (usually green beans or corn), sweet tea. Its the only school lunch I could stomach.

The first time I ate lunch with Drama Princess, I tried the school's hamburger. Blech! :P Now, I will just sit with her and then eat at home!


Little Miss is very picky when it comes to food. Very. Picky. She has yet to buy a lunch; I've packed one for her every morning. I would bet money that she will not buy a single lunch at school all year!

the sits girls said...

We suggest starting a trend for new super big bean bag chairs for the visiting lunchtime parents. Or massage chairs...that sounds better. Yep, we're going with that one.

Susie said...

Ouch...those chairs do look painful! What we do for the PTA, huh?

Lula! said...

KAT--do not be giving away all of your torture secrets. (One word: Liberator. But that ain't no torture, of course.)

OK...I hated school lunches. It's probably why I was super skinny all through my matriculating years.

I did eat with Libbey a couple of times last year and it was actually good...our grilled cheeses are actual grilled cheeses...must be small town living, huh?

And of course I volunteer at school--to the point of being taken advantage of, but that's a whole other post...

Kat said...

Bobbi--And what is funny is that the kids just wanted to hear about the torture devices and how they are used. And then they wanted to know about others. So my 7 and 10 year old have been educated on the Judas chair, brazen bull, the wheel, and draw/quarter. And they want to know more. Wonder what this portends...

Blarney--If only that was an option! We can't use the library because students are in there. And the chairs in there are not attached stools...but they are still really small. And not suitable for adults. I tried to get PTA to my house - but our administrators come to our meeting as well as a few teachers, so it has to be there.

Brandy--I try to limit my lunch vists. Because of the chairs. And the lunch.

Angie--I think I am bigger - and I fit. It's just the unwinding that is the issue. It is not graceful. Or fit for an audience.

Momster--Madalyn always buys her lunch. She is not interested in making hers - and I told her she could take it if she had time to make it. I think she always finds something that she likes. When I go, I just sit with her and do not partake.

Elena--Thanks. But, needing a stool for each cheek is not so funny ;-) What was funny was trying to arrive early to take pictures of the stools. Cause I knew I'd get questions. I was not early enough. And my explanation of "I blog" was insufficient.

Susan--They are awful. For adults anyway. Our PTA secretary is over 6 feet tall. I just don't know how she folds herself up to fit at the table.

Staci--If moving it was an option, it would so be happening. And your own torture...ummm...no thanks :-)

Joye--Is it better at the middle school? These stools are horrid. But even when there are seperate chairs, they are still pretty tiny.

Shannon--Yeah, I don't eat there. I have eaten one meal - it was actually pretty good a chicken fajita wrap. But it was way too spicy for Madalyn. Today my choices were the grilled cheese in a bag or a hamburger in a bag. Lunch at home was the choice.

Heather or Tiffany - I like the idea of massage chairs. I needed to sit in one before I limped to the door.

Susie--My PTA job is done from home - I don't think I could handle long hours at the school - with that stool as my only option for respite.

Lula--Oh, some of the pictures I found when looking for torture devices - might give one ideas. And the liberator? Nope, no torture there.

I think that the kitchens in our schools are not meant for cooking - but for storage and handing out. Everything comes in those sealed bags. Including omlets. Oh, I need to take a picture of that for sure!

Kelly said...

LOL!!! Last time I submitted myself to this torture was when I was 8 months pregnant with Jack...trying to find a comfortable position at that hellacious lunchtable was not going to be found!!!
Madalyn is such a cut up!!!

Kat said...

Kelly--Oh, you should have seen the last picture of her and her friend. She got all bug eyed with some maniacal grin. Cut-up. Drama queen. Whatever.

Kelly said...

I went and checked out the St. George's Island trip pictures and you're right...Diana and Cameron look a lot alike...too weird!!

Kat said...

Kelly--I went back and looked myself. And there wern't as many of Diana as I thought. But your Cameron looks just like her. Or vice-versa. Anyway...very erie...

Debbie said...

We have picnic bench type seating in our cafeterias not those awful stools. That is just not right! I do go up to eat lunch with my daughter every now and then and I do volunteer at school alot. I don't eat the lunch when I go up there...I eat ahead of time or after because the smell makes me sick to my stomach. My daughter packs everyday because she doesn't like them either. I have to say, the image of you taking all those pics had me laughing as hard as the post itself. So fun!

Robin said...

First, thanks for your bloggy love on my brother, WeithKick's blog about our dad. It is greatly appreciated.

Yes, I've experienced the school torture chamber both as a former PTA President pretending to be comfortable on those dang stools and eating lunch with the kids. My back will never be the same.

Blessings.

Gina said...

School lunch...There are no words for the grossness that is school lunch. Except my kids like Wednesday- it's pizza day. You know, the big, mondo rectangles of tomato sauce and burnt cheese. Gotta go hurl now.

Jill said...

I am no fan of the tiny seat... At 35, I think I've earned the right to sit on a seat that houses both cheeks.

As for cafeteria food - it's not done that way here. You get a 2-week menu and decide what you want, go into the school and pre-pay. The lunches are are delivered from local restaurants - prepackaged for each individual child. It's a serious process.

Healthy? No way. I try to limit it to once a week - maybe twice. I'm kind of a fruit and vegetable hound.

Firefly mom said...

Since we've homeschooled for the last 7 years, I have to go back a bit for school lunch memories. When Cody was in kindergarten (the end of his public school career) they let parents have lunch occasionally - but we didn't get a special table. The kids were assigned specific seats in the lunch room the first day of school, and were not allowed to move *except* when a parent ate with a child. Then they all got to move down one seat. Woo Hoo!

I started getting mirgaines when I was in 2nd grade, and was put on a special diet to help control them. No preservatives, nothing processed and nothing aged (among other restrictions). This meant NO cafeteria food! Cody never got cafeteria food, either.

Nissa said...

I wholeheartedly agree, Kat. Those tables are horrible. I'm short and should fit, but I guess my width does me in..

I wasted so much of my parents' money throughout my school career. I bought lunch everyday, but never ate it. School cafeteria food is the grossest in my book.

Parent lunches are great.
It is neat to have my child get so excited to see me!

Kat said...

Debbie--I knew that I would get strange looks - but I had to show you all the torture that is going on at schools. I must have an inner investigative journalist :-) And then all the explanations about what a blog is...ack!

Robin--You are most welcome - and I am glad that your dad is doing better. My back is killing me today. Maybe I'll bring a pillow next time. But I am afraid it would just slide off the seat. And the cushions I have for some chairs - they are so much bigger than those little circles.

Gina--The pizza at Madalyn's school looks like regular pizza. And it's not in a sealed baggie. What I always remember from school lunches when I was growing up was pizza was always served with corn as a side dish...

Jill--I have long given up on my right to a chair that will fit my behind. Along with my right to wear clothes that fit. That aren't covered is huge floral prints. Or cats.

FM--I usually leave Katie at home when I have lunch with Madalyn. But I have brought her once or twice, and she loved it. Must be the novelty of it all. Or something.

Nissa--I usually brought my lunch. I took classes at another school so we were bussed over during the lunch time - so I usually ate on the bus - and missed out on this tradition. But in elementary school - I really don't recall what I did.

Rhea said...

I can't believe I didn't comment yesterday, I'm so sorry.

I think I'm not going to get on your bad side, now that I've seen all your torture devices. lol

I agree with you about those tiny stool table thingys. There right up there with those darn Home Depot buckets.

Very cute post, creative and hilarious. Loved it.

Insane Mama said...

yea, I volunteer at their school, but we are not forced into those TINY little stools. I hated school lunches, I thought they were nasty. At my kids school they have a salad bar which I think is cool and healthy, but I make my kids lunch because I don't know about your cafeteria, but our is expensive! and I have 4 kids....

Insane Mama said...

You are so funny with your "Not naming the photo" your inuendoes (sp?) crack me up!

Rhea said...

Grilled cheese in a bag...that's a new one for me. lol You're awesome to bring ice cream.

Rhea said...

I wish my kids would eat cafeteria every now and then...just so I could have a break. lol

Angie's Spot said...

That pool is off the charts awesome. I've been swimming for as long as I can remember. I have pics of me jumping off a REALLY high dive when I was probably 4 or 5 years old. I do enjoy the water, but more the hot tub variety. LOL. My oldest has no fear of the water, which is disconcerting because she's not a great swimmer yet. My youngest doesn't particularly enjoy it. I'm officially moving to your town. That pool needs me. And Hugh Jackman.

Christine L said...

That table with attached seat... I sat on that for 8 hours (oh no, sorry 7 hrs - we had a 1hr lunch break) for a weekend workshop at a local high school(in NJ), - 2 days, in cold november with little to no heat. Pure non-ergonomic tortue!

Jennifer P. said...

I'll inform Dick Cheney about this method of torture right away :)!

I'm off to have lunch at the school next week. We'll see if it's as tasty as I remember!

Vicki said...

They seriously make PTA parents sit on those things?!?! That truly is torture. Perhaps it's to make sure you don't fall asleep?

I remember my mom coming to lunch a couple of times. She always stole the show with her jokes and finger tricks. I'll have to ask her if she could barely stand up when it was all over :)

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